Let ‘er Rip

Nov 04 2008

Palin: I gotta passport now - Can’t WAIT to go see some foreign people!

Published by Yip under Voices

*Offstage Announcer*

Ladies and gentlemen, it was my great pleasure to interview Governor Sarah Palin (Wingnut-AK) during her visit to the United Nations today. I found her to be quite gracious, stunningly attractive and more than willing to share her thoughts - unrehearsed and sans cue cards - regarding meeting foreign heads of state for the first time. Here is a sample of our talk, which took place in the foyer of the United Nations Building:

Announcer: Governor Palin, it’s my pleasure to meet you. Thank you for granting this interview.

Sarah Palin: Oh you’re welcome! Where are YOU from!?

A: Uh…I’m…an….American. I’m from a little town in Iowa. Now, Governor Palin…

SP: Oh. I thought maybe you were from someplace else! You sort of have a complexion that made me think…..oh well! Maybe that’s not appropriate to say!! Ha ha ha! I’ve never been real politically correct, if you know what I mean! You been out in the sun a lot mister!? Ha ha ha!

You know, I’m from a little town too! See how much we have in common, even if we are from different countries! We can sure agree on that!

A: No, Governor Palin, I’m from America too. Uh….well….anyway….how many foreign dignataries have you met so far today?

SP: Well, let’s see…oh yeah! I met that little gal from Germany! You know, the one that says her first name funny! Did you know she’s a WOMAN!!

A:rent a car bulgaria Angela Merkel?

SP: Yeah! That’s her! She seems real nice. You know, a lot of those people CAN’T speak English!? Wow! Did I ever get confused! Hey….who’s that gal over there in that funny lookin’ dress? You know who she is?

A: What?? Uhhh……no, I don’t know her.

Her … um….dress …. is called a sari. I would imagine she’s from India. Now Governor……

SP: What? They wear those dresses in Indiana? Well I’ll be! It’s amazing what a person can learn from visiting foreign countries, isn’t it! It’s pretty, but….she looks like she’s going to the Academy Awards or something! You know, it was probably some homaseckshul that made her wear that dress! They’re all gonna burn in hell, you know!

A: Uh….right. Governor, who else have you met here at the U.N.? Have you given them any idea of what kind of Vice President you would be? Have you invited any of them to your home state of Alaska?

SP: Well I’ll tell you one thing, if that little gal wears that sorry-dress to Alaska, she’s gonna be COLD! I did get to talk to that Oriental guy from…..(turning to her husband) Hey Todd! Where’s that Oriental guy from again?

Todd Palin: (under his breath) North Korea, dear. North Korea. And….say ‘Asian’, not Oriental.

SP: (to husband) Asian!? I thought he was from China!

(turning back to Announcer) Anyhoo, I told him a good way to keep his folks from starving would be to show them how to fish for salmon! I told him I’d be tickled to come over there and show all of ‘em how to catch a fish with your teeth! Ha ha ha! I can do that, you know! Catch fish with my teeth! But you know what!? HE can’t speak English either! It sort of makes me wonder where on Earth these people got educated! Sure wasn’t in Alaska! Ha ha ha!!

Did you know I shook up the education system in Alaska!? First, I shook up the education system in Wasilla! I did! Then I told congress, ‘Thanks but no thanks!’ on that bridge! (in loud stage whisper) Don’t tell anybody, but we KEPT the money for that bridge!!

I can’t wait to get to Washington and shake things up over there!

A: And what will be your first act as Vice President, should you and Senator McCain be elected?

SP: Who!? Oh! John McCain! You’re just trying to trip me up, aren’t you!

Well, the first thing I’m going to do is shake up Washington! John McCain and I are both mavericks! We’re going to shake things up over there, I’ll tell you that! (to husband) Honey, does my hair look ok?

A: Shake things up, how?

SP: We’re gonna get rid of the Old Boy Network! It’s ungodly and it’s leading America down the road to hell! (to husband) Todd, do we get the Old Boy Network on cable!? Honey, does my lipstick look ok!?

TP: Lipstick’s fine, hon. Just tell him you’re a maverick and you’re gonna shake things up, and that you said ‘thanks but no thanks’ on the bridge. Can you remember that?

A: Governor, as governor of a state with only about half a million people, and since you’ve only been in office for about 18 months, what do you say to people who claim you don’t have enough experience to be Vice President?

SP: I tell them this hockey mom is going to Washington to shake things up! That’s what I tell them! We’re tired of the Old Boy Network, and we owe it to the American people to say, ‘thanks but no thanks’! We want good, wholesome television programs! We’re going to shake things up, and put lipstick on pigs! THAT’S what I tell them!

TP: (grabbing her arm, gently guiding her away) No, dear. The black guy is the one that talks about lipstick. (to Announcer) Thank you, sir. The governor has other interviews and it’s almost time for lunch…..thank you.

A: Thank you both for your time. I hope you enjoy your lunch.

SP: Thanks but no thanks!

We’re going to maverick to shake up some Washingtons!!

Gosh, Todd, I hope they have salmon on the menu!

Hey! Who’s that guy over there with that thing on his head!? He looks like a TERRORIST!

TP: No dear. That’s a turban.

SP: Where’s Turbia ?

Hey, Todd! Now that I have a passport, we can go to Hawaii!!!

Categories: Travel News.

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Nov 04 2008

No, it’s NOT gross.

Published by Yip under Voices

I don’t know if this girl is trying to come out, or if she’s just more enlightened than her mother appears to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m standing in line the other day at the grocery store, about 5:00 in the afternoon. In front of me is a rather tasty looking man buying a package of hamburger, buns and a 12 pack of beer. My kinda guy! Bet I know what his dinner is tonight.

In front of him is a well-dressed woman I would guess to be about 60-something, with quite a lot of groceries. Behind me is a girl of about 15 or so, with a woman I guess to be her mother.

The clerk finishes ringing up the woman’s purchases. ‘That’ll be $174.78 please.’

The woman opens her purse and fishes out a checkbook. Jesus H. Christ. She couldn’t have done this BEFORE she got in line? I’m not usually in a hurry, but it really pisses me off when someone does this. She’s been standing there, looking off into space for 5 minutes while her groceries are being tallied, and she can’t at least START writing the check? Shit! She didn’t even have the checkbook out of her purse until everything was totalled! Meanwhile, there’s a line of people waiting for her.

Fine. It will give me a few more minutes to admire the tasty man’s neck and shoulders. He’s a couple of inches shorter than me. His clothes have paint blotches all over, and his arms and hands are speckled with paint. On the back of his tee shirt is written, MIKE’S PAINTING INC. with a telephone number. The back of his neck is nicely tanned, and when he moves I can see lighter skin below the neckline of his shirt. I’m thinking I would like to lick the back of his neck when the woman in front of him says to the clerk, ‘Are you sure? That Pepsi’s on sale, you know.’

‘Yes. I know. The scanner picked up the sale price.’ The woman hesitates for a second, and says, ‘Hmmm. Well, I think……….’

At this point tasty man turns to me, smiles a little, and rolls his eyes. We’re thinking the same thing; why the hell doesn’t this old bat get it in gear?! Actually, that’s probably what HE was thinking. I was thinking more along the lines of; Hey fella, want to come on over to my house and see if it needs painting? We could have a beer and discuss…

My fantasy is broken by the teenage girl behind me, ‘Mom! Look at this! Ellen got married!’ She’s holding a copy of PEOPLE magazine, with Ellen DeGeneres and her bride, Portia de Rossi on the cover. ‘That’s so cool!’

The mother looks at the girl and frowns a little. ‘Uh huh.’

‘She’s got good taste! Portia is sooooooo pretty!’

Mom is looking sour. ‘By the way, have you seen Jason lately? Is he in any of your classes this year? He’s a nice young man. Cute, too.’

‘I guess so.’ says the girl. By this time, tasty man is having his groceries totalled. I put my stuff on the conveyor belt, trying to regain my fantasy of this man painting something - anything - in my house.

With no shirt.

He picks up his groceries and heads for the exit. As I’m watching him leave, I make a mental note of the MIKE’S PAINTING INC. telephone number.

‘I don’t think it’s gross! Why? They want to get married! What difference does it make to you?!’ says the girl. The mother moans and says, ‘I forgot ice cream. Go get some ice cream.’ The girl turns and practically runs away. Then, under her breath, barely audible, mom says, ‘God, what am I going to do with her.’

More importantly, mom, what is SHE going to do with YOU?

Categories: Travel News.

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Nov 04 2008

It’s a Scandinavian kitchen for me, thank you very much!

Published by Yip under Voices

I’ve put it off long enough. I’ve GOT to update my kitchen. New sink and faucet, new dishwasher…a whole bunch of shiny new stuff. Most of what I have now doesn’t work properly, or leaks, or is just plain UGLY.

Last week, I’m in Home Depot, looking for a dishwasher.

In the appliance department, I spot a washer. It’s in my price range, but it’s got a stainless steel front. I would really prefer white.
I look around for a sales clerk.
Nobody.
I wander around for a few minutes, looking at the appliances.
6 or 7 minutes pass, a woman wearing an orange apron walks into the appliance area.
She sees me playing with the dishwasher, but keeps her distance.

«Excuse me, do you know if this is available in white?» I ask.

«Ummmm…..well……Sharon’s on break.»

I’m thinking: who the hell is Sharon, and what does her being on break have to do with the price of tomatoes? Or the color of dishwashers, for that matter?

«I work in Lawn and Garden.» The clerk says to me. Then, giggling, she shouts, «Earl! Earl!» and trots down a nearby aisle.

I’m thinking: Well, Earl might be Sharon’s supervisor, or at least someone who knows if a particular washer is available in white.

Wrong!

Orange apron grabs Earl’s arm, giggling, and they continue walking down the aisle, away from me. I’m left fondling a Maytag with nobody else in sight. As far as I could tell, Earl wasn’t the kind of man that most girls would giggle over, but what do I know about the madcap affairs or personal tastes of Home Depot workers? At any rate, I stand there for a few more minutes. No other orange aprons in sight.

Screw it. I’m going to Lowe’s. It’s a short drive, because God knows there’s a Lowe’s or Home Depot on every corner of the world now. Right beside Starbuck’s.

In Lowe’s, the appliance department is empty. Apparently the Lowe’s equivalent of ‘Sharon’ is on break here, too. I wander around looking at dishwashers for a few minutes. Nothing catches my interest, and that’s good. I would have been totally pissed if I had found one I like, with no Sharon to give me details about cleaning ability, noise level of operation and pricing.

It dawns on me: I remember Fred talking about a place in Lee’s Summit that had good service and prices that were lower than most. Lee’s Summit is only a few miles away, and I think I can remember how to get to the place.

As I’m walking out of Lowe’s, past the lawn mowers, I hear a clerk tell a customer, «Well, I’m not sure about that. I usually work in the paint department.»

I get to Lee’s Summit. I’m not in the store 10 seconds when a young woman approaches and says, «Hello! How can I help you?» Naturally, I’m caught off-guard by not having to track down a sales clerk. «Uh, well, I’m looking for a dishwasher.»

«Ok! I’ll get Bjorn to help you.» About that time a 40-ish looking man is walking toward us. «Bjorn, this gentleman is looking for a dishwasher.»

Bjorn holds out his hand to shake mine. «Hello. I’m Bjorn. I can show you our different brands. Do you have a particular model in mind?»

This is where my «fairy» kicks in. Bjorn is gorgeous. I’m a sucker for tall, slender men. Bjorn is MORE than just tall and slender. He’s handsome. VERY handsome. I would normally think of a name like ‘Bjorn’ as being Scandinavian. This guy doesn’t really look Swedish, or Norwegian, but so what? He’s beautiful. And he’s holding his hand out to me.

I notice a clever little tuft of curly hair at the base of his throat. Stuttering, I shake his hand and say something like, «Uh…..I….I….I’m….Y……Y…..Yip. N….no…..I……d……d….don’t know…..wh….what kind I w…..w….want.»

I supressed the desire to say, «My GOD you’re HANDSOME!» But it was tough.

Bjorn proceeded to show me two models in my price range. He showed me EVERYTHING about the machines. If I had a question, he answered it. Without hesitation, without having to ask someone else, and without telling me he didn’t know because he usually worked in another department.

I thanked him and told him I’d be back. I will, too. I’m going to buy 4 dishwashers, 3 refrigerators, a dozen garbage disposals and at least 2 ovens. And Bjorn is going to write up every order.

While I drool.

Categories: Travel News.

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